the day I thought would never come

Posted on May 14, 2008


I’ve relatively little doubt that, by now, you’ve seen the subway $5 foot-long sandwich deal commercial. the crazy, diabolical bastards at the ad agency created this horrifyingly creepy jingle and paired it with an even creepier hand motion.

still, I can’t deny that I took advantage of this deal way more than I should have. speaking realistically, I probably ate more Subway sandwiches since this deal started than I had in my entire life preceding it. roast beef and swiss on parmesan oregano, with a bevy of vegetables; cucumbers, too, if I felt particularly frisky that day. indeed, my entire life prior to $5 foot-long sandwiches had served as mere preface to this celebration of nutrition and value.

then there was the issue of the “for a limited time” text that stained every advertisement. it was an issue in the same way that a lack of physical evidence was an issue for the administration when they chose to invade iraq. straight denial.

“this deal’s been around for three weeks. they’ll probably just keep it going.”

“too many people have been able to purchase a healthy, 6-grams-of-fat-or-less, American Heart Association-approved sandwich for the company to pull the rug out from underneath me.”

“this is cheap and delicious. I swear I’ll shank Subway if they decide to end this deal.”

and then, on the 11th of May, 2008, it was gone. kinda. the $5 deal remains, but only for select sandwiches. I did not believe the day would actually arrive.

by limiting the deal to what I’ve deemed to be the least popular sandwiches available, Subway has stripped $5 foot-longs of any and all dignity. a fantastic bargain deal kept on life support for no other reason than to squeeze out every penny. I’m disgusted.

am I overreacting? yes. but man, I just want my $5 foot-long roast beef back.

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