when I’m inexplicably famous…

Posted on April 17, 2008


I can write that I have absolutely no desire to be famous, but that would make me a liar. deep, deep down, a part of me hopes for celebrity. at this point in my life, I possess no discernable talent. I’ve yet to accomplish anything of particular significance; to date, my most noteworthy milestone is setting the record for “most hot sauce packets used on a single taco bell grilled stuffed burrito,” though the guinness representatives have yet to confirm. I’m not heir-y enough to be famous for being famous, nor am I vapid enough to be a compelling reality show character. and, unfortunately, my ass is big but not worthy of its own fame. well, at least not international fame.

however, in the off-chance that I do become inexplicably famous, I will hold myself to a higher standard. as a(n inexplicable) celebrity, I will pledge to:

  • send out goofy, personalized christmas cards. if, at the time of my fame, I’m without wife or children, I will hire actors to pose with me in the picture. even if the fill-ins are of different races, you’ll still say “what a beautiful family. it must be so good to be so famous and yet so normal.” that’s the power of celebrity, friends.
  • make an appearance on at least one hour of the home shopping network as a “special guest.” I will e-mail my friends prior to my appearance so that they can call in. we can use that hour to chat on live television about whatever we want.
  • appear at a bar or bat mitzvah.
  • support a trivial cause and take myself very seriously. I will remain open to suggestions.
  • lend my name to one “as seen on TV” product. personally, I’d like to represent those electric muscle stimulators. tone muscle and lose fat while watching TV and turning some dials? sounds like something I’d back.
  • befriend both al sharpton and al franken.
  • maintain a blog about my newfound (and inexplicable) fame. I’ll do my best to name drop, but also remind all my readers that I’m “still one of you,” mainly by writing about everyday things that annoy me.
  • hold a “don’t you know who I am?!” week. for seven days, I will try to get as much free stuff and services I can by going places and asking and/or shouting “don’t you know who I am?!” this could very well turn into a small set of fun youtube video.

wow, this was a waste of time. regardless, my pledge remains.

Posted in: lists