wanted: band to warrant band name

Posted on March 27, 2008


I know a lot of people that hate driving. I guess the thought of being confined in a metal (or, in Saturn’s case, dent-resistant plastic) cage, weaving through mazes crowded with other metal cages, isn’t appealing.

on the other hand, there’s me. I love driving. it’s an opportunity for me to rock out with my engine block out, to air drum shamelessly* and refine my sweet stage moves. driving plays directly into my (not so) secret to be a rockstar, a pied-piper of screaming, adolescent fans. just once I’d like my existence to usher an entire generation into pubescent pandemonium and hysteria. I don’t think that’s too much to ask (but certainly way too much to work toward).

I’ve recorded myself on my mac’s garageband, and I know full-well that I sound awful. go ahead and add my singing as the eighth modern deadly sin. when this unfortunate reality creeps into my consciousness as I drive, I stop the playtime and contemplate about other things. mostly, I come up with possible band names. if I can’t be in a band, I might as well be prepared to suggest a name to friends who have some musical talent.

think about it. band names can make you hate a band (puddle of mudd, the the, hoobastank, U2) or love a band (grizzly bear, spoon, band marino, U2). okay, the quality of their music probably plays the biggest part in your love or hate for said band, but the band name undoubtedly plays some role.

I know that there’s a band name generator out there, and even an entire blog dedicated to suggesting names. but why hasn’t anyone made a career out of providing actual band names? better yet, how about a subscriber-service that matches each band’s genre, personality, and preferences with the ideal band name? a match.com for bands and band names!

..and this is why I’m no businessman (“I’m a business, man”).

anyway, here it is, an abridged list of band names, in no particular order:

  • the quintessential petting zoo
  • your permanent record
  • the dermis band
  • 8-leg salute
  • divide by zero (band exists – thanks Sophia)
  • flo and the rescent
  • rest ye merry gentlemen
  • wide rule paper vs. all
  • high time for mr. mackey
  • bullet point
  • my mother, the fish
  • my favorite alloy
  • upside down rock cake
  • rodney carney asada
  • the plastic lanyards
  • dentured servanthood
  • crossbar
  • hollywood, nova scotia
  • i feel blank when you blank / the “i feel” statements
  • license bowl
  • hester and the whores
  • guppy showtime
  • tube sock your face
  • debbie’s got some uppers
  • sucks to our assmars
  • fight, flight, or stall
  • the corner ofs
  • nashua
  • goodbye, balloon
  • the oh hell no’s
  • support beam
  • norse code
  • 5am bathroom break
  • creep what you sow
  • lysdexic all-stars
  • toolbox betty
  • neat
  • best-laid planes
  • internal request
  • man against men
  • bear vs. shark (band exists)
  • basil and toast
  • push broom mafia
  • temper the egg
  • the hints
  • gertrude
  • hopescotch
  • bringed and brought
  • the prep clause
  • the soapbox offering
  • good morning, tom tancredo
  • gold medal podium
  • thanks for calling and the please holds


*one thing I have learned is to never air drum when there is an actual drummer in your car. it’s super embarassing and you KNOW that they’re judging you in all your drum-massacring glory.

Posted in: lists, music